Several years ago, I received an email that was making the rounds across the country. The email was all about raising boys. I decided to put my own personal spin on this email and shared it with a few of my friends.
I recently remembered this email, and miraculously found it when I did an email search. What I find amusing is that there are a few points that I have already written stories about here on my blog and my facebook page. Just goes to show that over the years, the stories live on...and still make me laugh and shake my head.
I'm sure all of the points this mother makes are true....I assure you that all of my additions are true...
Sometimes, I don't know how I survived...or how my kids survived !!! But we did.
Thanks, boys, for making life interesting...
Raising Boys - 24 Key Points To Ponder
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
***and amended by a not-so-anonymous mother in California ( my answers are BOLD and noted with ***)
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding)
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
***It is also the perfect place to hide all those weekly progress reports you never want mom to find….they are only discovered after the waterbed ruptures when you hide your brother's Star Wars action figures from under there...
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
***If you spray hair spray on any flying insect, it renders them flightless just long enough to attach your mother’s sewing thread as a “leash” for a unique pet that will fly in circles for hours amaze all the neighborhood children….I much prefer the hamsters, bunnies, and puppies over the large Japanese Beetles my boys would bring home
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
***Preferred over the 3-year old boy’s voice that boisterously questions “who farted???” while the pastor is praying at a baptism.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
***It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls, ceiling, and carpet of a 20 x 20 ft. room. This works well with syrup, too! Although, this provides much more enjoyment for finger painting and clean-up is a tasty event!
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
*** More importantly, do not allow your husband to think it is a good idea to show off the youngest member of the family to guests by tossing the infant into the air…especially if you are in a low-clearance room equipped with a ceiling fan! The child will not giggle as you had anticipated and it will take a few times for your brain to register what that thumping noise is.
6.The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
***Same goes for rotten peaches…apparently; my boy’s mischievous acts revolve primarily around food!
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
***I would have rather heard those words than, “I dunno what happened...I only put him in the oven for a few minutes”…
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
***A Bunsen burner and a few choice ingredients in a 2-liter bottle make a very nice homemade bomb with a loud explosion and enough long-lasting smoke for the authorities to easily locate the origin of the explosion! Not all responding officers have a sense of humor.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
***No argument there… lit birthday candles are also more intriguing when you're crammed into the coat closet with all of your siblings!
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
***As well as coins of all value…and plastic insects!
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
*** Microwave and anything to do with boys are never a good match….especially when attempting to make hard boiled eggs….have we discussed explosions and smoke???
12. Super glue is forever.
***A heavy-duty epoxy WILL enable you to glue your little brother’s head to the carpet!
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
***Snapping those photos of your 3-year old sitting for hours with the fishing pole line in the pool waiting for a bite is unforgettable….
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
***Pool filters do not like 50 pound test fishing line, either…..but the Jell-O sounds like more fun ;-)
15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
***Same goes for mom’s lo-cal hot pockets….again, another poorly though of hiding location when you’ve been caught eating in the TV room. Under the couch cushions is equally as bad.
16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
***Agreed…but at least your children tried to use an anti-gravity device….mine just stuck their finger in the bunkbed post and went for it !!! Fingers snap in two, but my kid never hit the floor!!!….if you’re lucky, your kid still has his finger! You also hope the officer investigating the injuries at the emergency room has a good sense of humor and a vivid imagination!
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
***Sugar in the assistant principal’s gas tank will not allow him to get more than a block from school at the end of the day….unfortunately, he drives in the same direction as you walk home….and is very observant! This mother would have preferred marbles!
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
***I ask myself that question on a daily basis!
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
***Ovens do not provide appropriate heat for cold-blooded reptiles and Japanese Beetles! Yes, always look! Moments like this are usually followed by a flushing toilet.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
8**The fire dept. in Hemet, CA also averages about 5 minutes….Dad running all the stop signs from work can make it in about 4 minutes…Being home when the paramedics put your son with a severed toe into the ambulance…priceless! PS - unsafe driving citations in Hemet will run you about $1295-/2 yrs. Driving probation/2 days in custody, and 7 points on your driving record!
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
***The clothes drier will only fit one sibling at a time.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
***This will make your sibling dizzy and nauseated ... and make Mom very upset when she finds out years later!!!
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
***So do boys…I finally discovered the origin of that mystery odor!
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
***Why do you think I didn’t include the ingredients for the 2-liter explosive device?
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, "with or without boys", do it because:
a) for those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
*** Just wait…no matter what you think, your time of reckoning will come!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
***I do laugh, even though I’m still paying off the fines and the juvenile hall bills. As I said earlier, not all officers have a sense of humor.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
***Reality sucks, huh?
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
***No one is immune…
e) for those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
***My boys are the poster children for abstinence!
I recently remembered this email, and miraculously found it when I did an email search. What I find amusing is that there are a few points that I have already written stories about here on my blog and my facebook page. Just goes to show that over the years, the stories live on...and still make me laugh and shake my head.
I'm sure all of the points this mother makes are true....I assure you that all of my additions are true...
Sometimes, I don't know how I survived...or how my kids survived !!! But we did.
Thanks, boys, for making life interesting...
Raising Boys - 24 Key Points To Ponder
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
***and amended by a not-so-anonymous mother in California ( my answers are BOLD and noted with ***)
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding)
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
***It is also the perfect place to hide all those weekly progress reports you never want mom to find….they are only discovered after the waterbed ruptures when you hide your brother's Star Wars action figures from under there...
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
***If you spray hair spray on any flying insect, it renders them flightless just long enough to attach your mother’s sewing thread as a “leash” for a unique pet that will fly in circles for hours amaze all the neighborhood children….I much prefer the hamsters, bunnies, and puppies over the large Japanese Beetles my boys would bring home
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
***Preferred over the 3-year old boy’s voice that boisterously questions “who farted???” while the pastor is praying at a baptism.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
***It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls, ceiling, and carpet of a 20 x 20 ft. room. This works well with syrup, too! Although, this provides much more enjoyment for finger painting and clean-up is a tasty event!
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
*** More importantly, do not allow your husband to think it is a good idea to show off the youngest member of the family to guests by tossing the infant into the air…especially if you are in a low-clearance room equipped with a ceiling fan! The child will not giggle as you had anticipated and it will take a few times for your brain to register what that thumping noise is.
6.The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
***Same goes for rotten peaches…apparently; my boy’s mischievous acts revolve primarily around food!
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
***I would have rather heard those words than, “I dunno what happened...I only put him in the oven for a few minutes”…
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
***A Bunsen burner and a few choice ingredients in a 2-liter bottle make a very nice homemade bomb with a loud explosion and enough long-lasting smoke for the authorities to easily locate the origin of the explosion! Not all responding officers have a sense of humor.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
***No argument there… lit birthday candles are also more intriguing when you're crammed into the coat closet with all of your siblings!
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
***As well as coins of all value…and plastic insects!
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
*** Microwave and anything to do with boys are never a good match….especially when attempting to make hard boiled eggs….have we discussed explosions and smoke???
12. Super glue is forever.
***A heavy-duty epoxy WILL enable you to glue your little brother’s head to the carpet!
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
***Snapping those photos of your 3-year old sitting for hours with the fishing pole line in the pool waiting for a bite is unforgettable….
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
***Pool filters do not like 50 pound test fishing line, either…..but the Jell-O sounds like more fun ;-)
15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
***Same goes for mom’s lo-cal hot pockets….again, another poorly though of hiding location when you’ve been caught eating in the TV room. Under the couch cushions is equally as bad.
16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
***Agreed…but at least your children tried to use an anti-gravity device….mine just stuck their finger in the bunkbed post and went for it !!! Fingers snap in two, but my kid never hit the floor!!!….if you’re lucky, your kid still has his finger! You also hope the officer investigating the injuries at the emergency room has a good sense of humor and a vivid imagination!
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
***Sugar in the assistant principal’s gas tank will not allow him to get more than a block from school at the end of the day….unfortunately, he drives in the same direction as you walk home….and is very observant! This mother would have preferred marbles!
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
***I ask myself that question on a daily basis!
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
***Ovens do not provide appropriate heat for cold-blooded reptiles and Japanese Beetles! Yes, always look! Moments like this are usually followed by a flushing toilet.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
8**The fire dept. in Hemet, CA also averages about 5 minutes….Dad running all the stop signs from work can make it in about 4 minutes…Being home when the paramedics put your son with a severed toe into the ambulance…priceless! PS - unsafe driving citations in Hemet will run you about $1295-/2 yrs. Driving probation/2 days in custody, and 7 points on your driving record!
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
***The clothes drier will only fit one sibling at a time.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
***This will make your sibling dizzy and nauseated ... and make Mom very upset when she finds out years later!!!
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
***So do boys…I finally discovered the origin of that mystery odor!
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
***Why do you think I didn’t include the ingredients for the 2-liter explosive device?
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, "with or without boys", do it because:
a) for those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
*** Just wait…no matter what you think, your time of reckoning will come!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
***I do laugh, even though I’m still paying off the fines and the juvenile hall bills. As I said earlier, not all officers have a sense of humor.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
***Reality sucks, huh?
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
***No one is immune…
e) for those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
***My boys are the poster children for abstinence!
 |
| Disclaimer: These are not my children... these children are far too angelic. |
I followed one of your blog links from over at SDL and have been having great fun reading your past entries, but this one I just HAD to comment on because my girlfriend and I just spent the last twenty minutes having gigglefits.
ReplyDeleteI have an eight year old daughter so thankfully have bypassed most of these things; however, my early prep for parenthood came in the guise of my little brother and at one point in reading parts of this post out loud I said, "Oh my gosh, she had 4 Adam's!" because some of the things that your boys got up to sound similar to things that he either tried or THOUGHT about trying.
I just had to say thank you for such a fantastic laugh!
Dear hopinfreefall....
ReplyDeleteso glad you got a giggle or three. I admit to giggling now, but almost flushed MYSELF down the toilet while raising these four boys !!!
Please feel free to share and I'll have more stories shortly..the holidays have me behind a bit...
:o)
That is hilarious!!! I have got to say boys definitely do make life more interesting; and fun! Some how little boys always, ALWAYS seem to be one step ahead of their mother, no matter how hard you try to think outside of the box!
ReplyDelete