Friday, November 22, 2013

Dairy of a Snow Shoveler

It snowed last night.

I got up three times in the middle of the night to check to see how much had fallen...

I got up this morning, grabbed a cup of coffee, and sat in my living room enjoying how the sun reflected off of the snow.

I remembered a funny story my husband had shared a few years ago. Not only did he share it with me, but he photo copied it and passed it around to everyone at work proclaiming that the elements of the story were the very reason he would never move back to Iowa.

And yet, here we Iowa...preparing for our first FULL Winter. When we arrived in March, we brought a blizzard with us. It literally rode in on our coat tails (I know the neighbors are still blaming us).   And then, we experienced a freak blizzard in May... MAY !!! Who gets snow storms in MAY?? Well, we did. ( I know the neighbors are blaming us for this one, too)

Let's just go for the trifecta and take credit for the flooding that happened here in June while we're at it. This resulted in the entire moldification of our son's basement living area. he now sleeps in my craft room.

At the moment, we still have our sanity and are smiling. But, much as the individual in the story I am about to share, I anticipate an entire "melt down" as the season progresses. We are told to expect a rough Winter.... I'm sure we will get blamed for that one, as well.

Enjoy (at my expense ....)

Diary of a Snow Shoveler~~
Day 1
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

Day 2
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

Day 3
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Valentine's day. No snow in February would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

Day 4
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to the teens. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

Day 5
20 forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

Day 6
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for on hour, which I think was very cruel.

Day 7
Temperature is way below freezing. Roads too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

Day 8
Electricity's back on, but another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came back twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

Day 9
Bob was right about winter's here because 13 more inched of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

Day 10
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 15. The wife wanted me to clean the porch furniture this morning. What, is she nuts! Why didn't she tell me to clean them months ago and cover them? She says she did but I think she's lying.

Day 11
6" snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to watch a romantic movie with her, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

Day 12
Happy Valentine's Day! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "Sleepless In Seattle" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

Day 13
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

Day 14
Temperature dropped to record low and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. He only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

Day 15
Warmed up to above 18! Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

Day 16
Still more snow. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

Day 17
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He's now suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. More snow predicted.

Day 18
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

Day 19
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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