Friday, December 16, 2011

Ho Ho Hose....Merry Christmas

As we near the Christmas Season, I reflect back over some of my more memorable experiences celebrating the holidays. My own children are grown now, and are starting to contemplate the holiday traditions that they will begin to establish for their families.

I have recounted my parenting holiday fails; including the time I boycotted Christmas only to wake up Christmas morning so riddled with guilt I arose before the boys to run out in search of gifts. Unfortunately, the only place open was the liquor store down the street.

 My children got gum and candy bars and lotto tickets for Christmas that year. Of course, we braved the after Christmas sales the next day, but the damage had already been done.

Another Christmas was spent out of town with family. The attempt to have a wholesome Christmas was lost when the Bart Simpson Automatic Toothbrush with Built-In Timer came to life in it's wrapping under the tree.
As I struggled to get the lively present out of it's box for my anxious chilren, my father-in-law popped off with the obvious question: "What is that? Did you get a vibrator for Christmas?"

Seriously??? Surrounded by your grandchildren, THAT is the memory you create???

But, one of the most memorable holiday snaffus was the Company Christmas Party of 1989.
I was a mere 22 years of age, married, with three babies at home. An opportunity to socialize with ANYONE whose main focus of life was something other than Sesame Street or Barney was highly desired.

I remember being a bit apprehensive about going to the party as I didn't have anything appropriate to wear. As any good husband would do, Jim was sensitive to my feelings and took me out to buy something festive. I had two retail options: KMart or Miller's Outpost. Despite being painfully broke, off to Miller's we went.

I selected a pair of soft pink corduroy pants and a pink holiday sweater. I looked......."festive"

After our purchase, we returned home where I wanted to model my outfit for Jim. I wriggled into a pair of control top panty hose so as to tuck in my mommy tummy, eliminate panty lines, and affort comfort in my high heels. Next came the pants and my sweater, and my stilettos . I modeled my attire for my husband, so thankful that I was going  to be presentable to his coworkers.

I slipped out of my clothes and carefully hung everything up in the closet in preparation for the party the following night.

The next evening, as the time for the party neared and the babysitter had the kids all settled in front of the TV, I began to get ready.

Hair ....check
Make-Up .... check
Fresh pair of panty hose.... check
Corduroys and sweater...check
Sexy pumps ... check

And away we go.... over the river and through the woods to the company party we go!!!

We greet my husband's co-workers, some who are old friends, some who are new and begin to have a great evening out. The drinks are flowing and the music is playing and it doesn't take long before I can't resist the urge to shake my booty on the dance floor!!!

Now, Jim's not one for dancing, so chances of dragging him out there with me are slim to none. But, I soon find a willing victim by the name of Mike and we trip the lights fantastic!!!

Somewhere between my rendition of Funky Town and Soul Train, Mike looks down at the dance floor, points and says," What in the hell is that coming out of your pants leg???"

I slowly stop mid-hustle, look down .... and see....


Like a B-Movie flashback, I recalled slipping out of the cords and pantyhose simutaneously the night before...and I didn't remove the nylons ...when I couldnt find them, I opened up a new pair. I was smuggling an extra pair of nylons in my pants!!!

The prior pantyhose were slowly shimmying out of my pants leg as I danced and were now 6 inches exposed on the floor.

Now, I had two options:

1. Skamper off the dance floor, mortified, making a bee-line for the ladies room to cry,


2. Hike my leg up on Mike's thigh, and shake my groove thing while Mike pulls and tugs on those pantyhose until they are finally set free, at which point he swings them over his head whoopin' and a hollerin' like a Cherokee with a fresh scalp !!!

I'll let you determine which option I went with.....LMPO (Laughing my pantyhose off)

Happy Holidays, My Dearies....

and remember ...

"The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused."
~Shirley MacLane

(somehow, I feel that Shirley must know me... maybe from another life...)


  1. I love your stories! Miss you guys, signed the brat

  2. Love you and miss you, Brat !!! xoxo